Monday, May 09, 2005

Getting Back On Track

Well I have let work take over my life again. I guess not as bad as it was before I rarely work from home anymore. Maybe for an hour or so every now and then, I think that is a pretty good start.

I have been trying to get back on the good health path too. Since the last surgery I just have not been myself 100%. Which in it's own way is another thing that isn't so bad. Used to be on my days off of work my workouts were from 2.5 to 3.5 hours. It was brutal and the next day always left me drained. I think 2hours is the most I have worked out so far, I am sort of missing it a bit. Working out was always the thing that kept me from going bonkers, well as you may have guessed.... I'm bonkers.

How do you go from feeling completely secure and happy and resolved in your life to like you have made some really big mistakes that are irreversable, unbreakable and under no ones control, certainly not your own that is for sure. Oh well what to do at this point. I am not suicidal yet, I don't particularly blame anyone, not even myself. I just do not see how I got "here" or where "here" is anymore. I have even lost my love of cooking. I told RCH the other day I was so glad I did not pursue the degree in culinary arts deal. I can hardly bare to even look at food. (The old Days of Anorexia [14-17] and bulemia [24-28] are starting to look good. No one knows about the bulemia, I kept that one pretty damn secret, although I had two friends back then that used to joke about it all the time telling me they thought I was one. If they did really they never said a serious word about it ever. Oh and yeah to those that don't know it, guys get the eating disorders too. It's not easy. Now at this point in my life since the first surgery in 01, I have put on about 20#. Plus I had put on about 12 #'s between 96 and 00. I lost some of that then the second back problem came and I gained a ton back. It's the yo yo game. Well Does not matter anymore. I can't lose more than 10#'s if I tried to my death. Matter O Fact by the time I lose the 10, which I go about usually pretty slow and naturally I start getting to a point where I have no energy then if I try and continue I start getting sick constantly. Gave up on that, forget diets. I'll just be sublimely happy in an unconscious relegated state of unblissful "para" weirdness. If you know what I mean.

Ok, i'm finished going on for now. I think i'm going to go back to writing short stories. I think my first one I'll post each writing and see what people think. ( I usually love horror, but might try something serious, or some non fiction).